Fearful.

It had been a while since I last blogged. Recently, I haven't really been myself? Millions of things running in my mind and nervous for my MYE results. And then, my anxiousness was relieved. I was glad that I've scored a decent A1 for Chinese, however that was out of what I expected. In fact, I received a lot more than I expected. Out of my 6 subjects, I failed Maths. Yes I know, Maths is one of the major subject that I can't afford to fail neither would I want to. I've to admit, a part of me gave up on Maths. As much as I wanted to breakdown upon receiving my Maths MYE. But I know I got to hang on, and thankfully Chinese was being a great comfort to me. Combined humanities consists of geography and social studies, I'm so glad that for the very first time I passed geography and science with a somehow decent pass! Overall, I felt that I could have done so much better if I was to persist to the end and much effort was put in. I never felt such a great disappointment to myself as I knew I could be doing so much better but why did I let that chance slipped off my hand... Now, even the thought of MYE could causes tears swelling in my eyes. I'm really afraid of disappointing my parents, mommy was already disappointed by my Maths.

Class outing tomorrow at East Coast Park, hopefully it'll be a successful one and one that we could all enjoy after MYE.

I'm actually very afraid of not being able do well in my studies, not being able to proceed to poly after my secondary education, not being to repaid my parents when I'm a grown up with a stable income when I'm working in future. Maybe it was just my expectation over-controlling me.

✿ understand, understood.

Finally, MYE written exams are over. It's kind of relieved to know that written exams are over and I don't have to be feeling guilty whenever I tried to procrastinate about studying or just idle around. Despite, MYE is over. There's still Prelim & N'level awaiting for me. Overall, I felt that my performance about revision that ideal and good enough. *le sigh* Yay, my holidays is gonna be here! Grrrr, have to go back to school to check scripts & result slips. *OMG* prays hard, really! Left with listening compre & English oral! Gonna bring my storybook to read while waiting for English oral since I'm the last one! :( I want a fruitful and meaningful June holidays. Will be working during the June holidays though I've yet to find a job. Didn't want to waste my June holidays doing nothing, at least I'm earning some money for myself with my own delicate hands. Hard-earned money makes us treasure even more. I don't give a damn about 'oh you working? Crazy ah, N'level leh' stfu, be it you're being concern or what. I decide what I want.

Not everyone will be understanding you or putting themselves in your shoes to grasp your feelings. All you gotta do is to be clear of yourself, that's more than enough.

Feelings that I can't handle.

Went out with Jia Qi & Huiyan for a job interview, not that ideal actually. Headed home after some afternoon bites with me. Took a nap when I'm homed, I've been really tired all this while..

I got so frustrated with myself with the me trying hard to understand the concept of Maths and yet unable to. I started crying, though crying doesn't helps me to solve my problem. As much as I wanted to let my mum know that I might not be doing well for MYE and apologetic for the fact that I'm gonna disappoint her.. Frantically, I was so distracted and fed-up if I couldn't meet my expectations. When did I started having such high expectations for myself?

I'll try my best to be a better friend and also a better daughter.

This isn't a fairytale.

It's not that I wanted to give up. It's just that I know I'll be unable to achieve what I want and why bother trying so hard? I have been procrastinating about doing revision. Oh damn it, it's the last week of exams tomorrow. I wanna get over it ASAP. And then it will mark the start of my June holidays...

I was thinking what was I in everyone's eyes? Maybe I was insignificant.

Unbelieving.

Sometimes, things are just too good to be true. I can't wait for next week to be over, so that I could have my June holidays working and get myself my own Polaroid. And I wanna spend my money shopping, been quite a while since I last shopped! Most importantly, spending some money treating family members and also spending time together with friends. There's so much things I want to do once June holidays is here. I want $$$ please! Well, I'll have to work to have $$$. My parents don't indulge me too much, it's for my own good. Being independent is a skill that I've gotta learn. I do have the urge of being good enough and being more sensible.

Mommy, I love you :-*

Never seems to be enough.

No one sees it.
No one understands it.
No one knew about it.
It was just me trying to portray out what's life was all about.
Once in a while, fat tears swelled in my eyes. Whatever I do, doesn't seems to be enough.

Few more papers to go.
Literally, I feel that I haven't been doing well for my papers. I can't wait for exams to end and proceed to my holidays.

I do feel that distance growing in between.

Life is like a storybook.

I'm gonna start reading up the newly bought storybook of mine after exams. I love reading up things that interest me! :) Meanwhile, I might not be blogging as frequent as I does. As it's MYE period, starting from the coming Tuesday. Hence, just wanna divert more of my attention to exams. I need to pass Maths, I'll just give it a try. Bless me, please!

*Delayed post, Sunday*